Folks, maybe Christmas isn’t so bad. I know what you’re saying: “Dr. Matt, why would it be bad at all?” I admit, I may have treated Christmas like my alcoholic sister that I shake my head at, and have a hard time loving her for who she is. Sure, Christmas sometimes breaks my DVD player, or talks to the tabloids about an incident in Thailand. Yet, at the same time, Christmas can be wonderful and fun, and sometimes doesn’t drink at all.

And Christmas also has you, my fans, and that makes it special. But you know what else I realized? You also get me for Christmas, and the thought of how special that makes your Christmas is heart-warming to me. Merry Christmas to all ya’ll, and may the years ahead continue to bring you more and more of me.

Sincerely,
Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt is not really a sincere doctor.

Listen, folks, if there’s one piece of advice I could give to people when buying gifts (not including the dozen or so I’ve given so far), it would be this: spend more than $30 on an alarm clock.

“But Dr. Matt,” you say. “I’m not buying anyone an alarm clock.”

Well, take it as a metaphor then, if you must. And I wish you wouldn’t. Because I hate metaphors.

An alarm clock, for some reason, has to be of a certain value to be of any value at all. Now, I spent something like $80 on the piece of crap alarm clock I currently have, so you might be asking why I don’t say to spend over $80 on an alarm clock. Well, I figure this is a $20 clock marked up to $80, and I’m hoping you won’t shop for yours at The Source by Circuit City like I did.

Seriously, how hard is it for electronics manufacturers to make an alarm clock that works consistently and reliably? After years and years of trying to just get a simple alarm clock that works, I’ve concluded that my price point is just too low. Because I would hate to think that manufacturers are in the business of selling crap electronics, in general.

In metaphorical terms which you insisted on having, a gift should not simply “address” you needs, it should excel them. And, the “time-setting buttons” on your gift should not fail after less than a year, making you want to “smash” your “alarm clock” against the “wall.”

If your son wants an iPod, don’t buy him a Creative Zen because it’s cheaper and you think, “Oh well, an internet audio tube player is an internet audio tube player.” (I believe these are called Empea Threes.) If you’re going to get a gift, get a gift of value, or don’t bother. A token gift is just a well-meaning piece of junk.

That doesn’t mean your gift has to have a high price point. I’ve received many gifts of great value that didn’t “cost” anything, except maybe that person’s pride and perhaps their innocence. Most of these gifts came after I became famous, but I’m sure you have received those kinds of gifts.

Also note that I’m including gifts from you to yourself as a place where you don’t want to skimp on the value of your gifts. I figured, “Oh, I don’t need a shnazzy alarm clock.” But apparently, because even $80 clocks are manufactured using leftover VHS parts, I did, in fact, need some shnazziness. Now, I’m in a pickle. Spend another $80? Why didn’t I just spend $200 to begin with for one of those fancy alarm clocks that sounds like a big stereo?

“Oh, Dr. Matt. I’m sure you mean well, but I don’t need to return my gifts quickly to the store and get quality replacements. It’s the thought that counts.”

Okay. Just remember, when you see those looks of disappointment on your children’s faces when your gift fails to please them three months from now, or even when the light of hope vanishes from their eyes when they tear open the packaging, I think you’ll rethink your thoughts and how much counting they do.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

*Dr. Matt Leichty is not a real doctor.

Friends, my agent tells me that the internet tubes can now fit something called an “e-Book.” (I believe the “e” stands for expedited.) The long and short of it is that you can now “download” my famous book, (“Just Stop Having Problems, Stupid!”) for some ridiculously low amount of money. Now, I don’t know how anyone can make money off of these low prices, and I may have to fire my agent, but it’s possible that that’s the internet tubes cannot handle large transactions.

Support the fake doctor community! Unseat the self-help establishment! Buy your copy today at http://www.lulu.com/content/1670918.

-Dr. Matt
UPDATE: The e-Book is now FREE!

Folks, I was talking to one of my clients the other day (and by client, I mean my mechanic for my Toyota Plug-in Hybrid Prius), and he said to me, “Dr. Matt, is there such a thing as bad love? Can there be love from someone that you just shouldn’t accept?”

I found the question interesting, and not just because we had previously been talking about car stereo enhancements.

“Well, Mike,” I said (and I’ll call him “Mike” rather than use his real name… which is Steve), “the short answer is that no, there is no such thing as bad love. However, where you might get a concept like that is from childhood, when you might receive conditional love, or love as a result of doing something ‘right’ or love that comes with expectations of behavior. But the love is not bad, it’s the projections that are coming with it.”

I paused, taking a sip of my eggnog latte, then continued: “You see, Mike, us human beings are limited in their ability to give unconditional love, unfortunately. I wouldn’t say it’s impossible, but… I think the day our love comes with zero expectations or projections is the day we’re no longer human.” At this point I stopped, imagining a scenario where non-humans gave unconditional love. I pondered that the most likely event would be the dawn of robots, but not the traditional conquering robots that we like to imagine, but maybe a race of unconditional loving robots, perhaps created by the same wizards that made my Toyota Plug-in Hybrid Prius. Maybe it would even be a Prius, but would have some kind of lips…

Mike interrupted my thoughts at this moment. “But, Dr. Matt, if we often attach expectations and projections to love,” Mike said, “then doesn’t that amount to the same thing? Isn’t it dangerous to accept?”

“Not really,” I said. “As an adult, what this means is that you can receive love and reject the projections. It doesn’t matter if someone thinks that by agreeing to receive their love you agree to some other undefined terms (but defined in that individual’s mind). It’s simply not so. You can be open to letting in love on your terms. You can let it flow in and out, freely. Let other people’s expectations and hang-ups be their problem.”

Mike’s face turned pensive, and he closed the hood of the car. He turned to me. “I love you, Dr. Matt,” he said.

And then we stood there awkwardly. Seriously, it kind of freaked me out.

On the other hand, he’s a really good mechanic.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

*Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

Dear Dr. Matt:
What does my love for koalas and skunks say about my personality?
-Odd Animal Lover

Well OAL, a lot of so-called “doctors” with “doctoral degrees” might start by talking about the archetypes of the koala and the skunk, and how the traits we attribute to these creatures might mirror aspects of your personality that you like about yourself. That is, the koala has a certain fuzziness, a very likable quality. Skunks are actually also very friendly animals, but as we all know, you do not cross a skunk. Especially those hot-tempered latino skunks. Skunks like their privacy, and they don’t like being mistreated. They stand up for themselves. I often see skunks in pairs, so it’s fair to say skunks stand up for each other.

Now, as I said, that might be what a regular “doctor” would talk about, but I think the more important issue is the animals you excluded. I think we can all agree that monkeys are conspicuously missing from animals you love, especially the cute ones. Why is it, OAL, that you dislike monkeys so much? As a fake doctor, I must assume that the answer is bizarre and troubling, and probably involves misuse of bananas. It’s certainly something for you to explore.

Oh, and one more thing regarding love of skunks. It’s possible you simply have poor personal hygiene.

Thanks for your question!

-Dr. Matt*

Have a question for Dr. Matt? Write to him at askdrmatt@gmail.com.

*Dr. Matt Leichty is not a real doctor.