Folks, it’s been a while since we’ve chatted, and I didn’t want you to feel like I didn’t have time for you. My fans are part of what keeps me going, that’s for sure, and each and every one of you is loved, not just for the way you pay my gas bill, but for the way you love me back.

It’s springtime, makes you kinda think of love, doesn’t it? And folks, I want to remind you that if you’re thinking about taking on that new lover, or airing out your old lover through application of new research materials, I want to remind you of the lover you should think about first.

No, I’m not talking about me… unless you’re between the ages of 22 and 35, can carry on an intelligent conversation, and find pudginess a charming quality in a man. Oh, and speaking of men, I would prefer that you were not one.

No, I’m not talking about me, I’m talking about you. The lover that’s most important in your life is Y-O-U you, that monkey that is looking back at you in the mirror (unless you actually own a monkey). Why do I say monkey? Because it’s okay that your face is kinda awkward, and your elbows aren’t symmetrical, and your gut speaks to the fact that you simply cannot get enough bananas. Love those qualities as adorable traits as you would love them in your lifelong lover.

Think about that, folks. If you had a lifelong lover, then chances are (hopefully), you would have learned a kind of unconditional love for that person, you would have at least accepted the fact that they have imperfections, and you love them regardless.

Well guess what, you have had a lifelong companion, and it’s you, ipso facto you have the capacity to love yourself unconditionally.

But wait, Dr. Matt, you say, the difference is that I don’t get to choose another me. (This is debatable but I’m listening.) I haven’t chose a lifelong lover, I’m just stuck with this one. Well, okay, if you believe that’s true, let’s say it’s a kind of arranged marriage. Sure, it’s an awkward fit at first. After all, it wasn’t your choice (or so you believe). So what do people in arranged marriages do? Well, in order for there to be happiness, you must find those lovable qualities in your lover, you MUST see their beauty or you are doomed.

There’s a lot of depressed people out there, folks, and I would wager that this is at the heart of it all. People have fallen out of love with their primary lover, and walk around with a kind of melancholy one might find in a strained relationship. It’s uncomfortable to live in a house when a relationship is strained or has fallen apart, and it’s even MORE uncomfortable to live in a body that has a broken relationship with itself. It must be hell living that way, and every time you make a negative comment toward that lover, it only makes life worse for both of you.

Dr. Matt, what the heck are you talking about, you say. Well, I don’t know exactly, but let’s put it in simple terms. You must treat yourself as you would treat a cherished lover. Take that lover out on dates, tell that lover you love them, and for goodness sakes, have sex with that lover as often as possible. Believe you me, Dr. Matt lives his life this way, and let me tell you, people, if you’re not, you don’t know what you’re missing. I mean, I’m ALREADY an attentive lover in general, and putting me with myself, well, that’s some sort of exponential wonderment that defies words, and likely were I to describe it, might disturb you more than you might be already. Okay, don’t think about what I do for me; seriously, just stop thinking about it, and think about how you can be that wonderful lover to yourself. Think about how you can make peace with the one you have been estranged from for so long, how you can bring the love in, the missing component that has kept you apart.

And then make sweet sweet love to yourself with sensuous warming massage oil.

Love,
Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt Leichty is not a real doctor.

Dear Dr. Matt,

Thanks,
Noob Saucing Mom

Thanks for your question, NSM!

A friend of mine, who plays World of Warcraft, tells me that “noob” is an abbreviation of the world “newbie.” People who are new to the game (or other similar games) are called “noobs.” (Incidentally, this friend has items he’d like to sell on eBay, if anyone is interested.) Noob sauce? I’ve not heard that term. Likely, the kid in class was fixating on a phrase which WOULDN’T have meaning to a lot of people, if anyone. His point was to antagonize.

I may not give you the answer you want because, you see, both my parents were elementary-school teachers. Imagine trying to maintain order with your children when they are out of control. Now multiply that by 10. Actually, multiply that by 100 as children’s behavior is contagious. A child frequently shouting “noob sauce” is a completely disruptive behavior. If it goes on too long then instead of disciplining one child, you might end up having to try to discipline the whole class (or simply go mad and be committed). Writing the word “noob sauce” is not necessarily injurious, and it is a method that indulges the child’s will to USE the phrase, without the ill effects of affecting the other students.

Having to write a phrase is something we remember because it’s effective, but certainly it’s not the most gentle for that particular student. The most gentle solutions are sometimes simply less practical or more time-consuming, or the teacher is possibly just relying on the methods that work and not concerning themselves with the psychological impact. After all, sometimes the teacher is a noob.

Keep in mind, your responsibility is to your child, and their responsibility is to all the students. Of course your actions would be different. Parents often speak up to teachers and say how they would have done it differently. Sometimes this is very appropriate. Teachers (like most humans) can make some very poor decisions, or say or do something when they are triggered which negatively affects their students, and it’s an amazing feat every moment where they do not allow this to happen. When a kid is running around yelling, “noob sauce,” he is trying to get a negative reaction. A teacher who doesn’t immediately turn green and yell back, “HULK SMASH!” is to be applauded.

If your child’s teacher is consistently acting inappropriately, definitely say something. If, however, you are motivated to say something because of how your child was affected, your attention may be misplaced. Your responsibility is to your son, and how he was affected is something unique to him. Also, NSM, if you are ready to stand up and charge when something like this happens, then likely there’s a deep wound from when you felt disrespected as a child, or witnessed someone else who was downtrodden by authority. Be careful you’re not trying to save the world through your son. (Unless he’s Jesus.)

If you really want to make a difference in your child’s classroom, then go to his teacher and say, “These are the days I have available every month in which I can volunteer in your classroom and give you any assistance you need.” Perhaps you do this already. After all, if you would like to raise the teacher’s energetic awareness, what better way than by example?

I would wager that if you were to consistently be in that classroom, you might find yourself to be a bit of a noob when it comes to dealing with those children, and you might have to rely on a bit of the ol’ noob sauce.

-Dr. Matt*

To ask Dr. Matt a question, send an email to askdrmatt@gmail.com.

*Dr. Matt Leichty is not a real doctor.

I’ve been getting lots of birthday wishes from my fans, which is absolutely great. Ya’ll are wonderful for everything you’ve sent me. I would say I don’t deserve it, but that’s just silly.

After all, why do we (and by we, I mean other people) feel the need to say on occasions such as these: “Oh thank you, I don’t deserve this.” To me, that’s the equivalent of saying “Thanks, but no thanks.” And folks, that’s just stupid.

I think what we mean is that we didn’t “earn” it. Our work ethic extends so far that it’s hard to be gracious when we receive gifts, even if those gifts are simply a few good words. We see no direct action on our part for which we are gifted. This is especially true on birthdays. I mean, really, all I did was I succeeded in not dying for yet another year. If gifts were based on actions, wouldn’t it be more appropriate for my parents to receive gifts on my birthday? I survived the gestation period, whoopdeedoo.

If we think in this way, we miss the point. Such gifts are not action based. In fact, very few gifts are. Most gifts come because there is something about us, something by the virtue of our very existence, that is enough for us to receive a gift.

This is not limited to gifts that other people give to us. Sometimes there’s a job that we want, or a new place to live, or some arbitrary sum of money. On some level, we see that it would be a gift to receive it. Often, we subsequently betray ourselves with this question: “But what have I DONE to DESERVE it?” Well, nothing, dummy. You don’t HAVE to do ANYTHING to deserve it. You exist, and that’s a good thing. Case closed. All you have to do is be gracious when the gift is given.

Therefore, I may act surprised when all of you send me a gift, but I know I truly deserve it, otherwise you would not have felt compelled to give.

If you’re still not sure what to get me, a Nintendo Wii will do. It’s, um, for my nephew.

Sincerely,
Dr. Matt*

*Dr. Matt Leichty is not a real doctor.