One of those funny guys on the Spoodcast podcast (www.spoodcast.com) asked me this question:

Dr. Matt, at what age should children be allowed to have a Myspace page?

A lot of parents ask these questions as if there might be magical ages when kids should do X, Y, or Z. But let’s get to the magical ages later. First, let’s talk about what I know about Myspace.

My understanding is that the Internets are a series of tubes or pipes, not unlike a water utility. Myspace is like a type of water processing plant for the Internets, where all the water flows through, and then gets dispersed to the masses.

The problem is that usually the water produced by the Myspace plant is either not potable or is potable but has a sulfuric odor and as such, may induce vomiting for some people. Rarely is the water both potable and fresh tasting, as in the case with my Myspace page on the Internets.

Adults have a better chance at being able to determine which category a particular page falls under. I’ve noticed that while even most kids are able to steer clear of the non-potable water, they tend to drink a lot of the sulfuric water, because they a) don’t understand that the water isn’t really all that great, b) don’t know that better water exists, or c) all of the above.

Basically, through our development, the ability to determine what has poor taste improves. This takes a great leap forward when we hit puberty, and seems to take another leap forward in the 18-22 range, with the boys sometimes on the later end, and the girls on the earlier end. However, none of this is universally true, this is why magic ages are stupid.

There is no magic age, so my initial thought upon hearing this question is that when the child is of an age where they are mature enough to have sex (emotionally, not physically), then they would be of a mature enough age to browse the Internets with less restrictions, and also have a Myspace page. Not that there is a direct link between the two, but the Internet tubes often have sexual content, so a certain level of maturity is needed to just go wandering, or interact socially without supervision.

Supervision is another key element. If you’re not okay with your kids going out and getting booty calls, then I would tell them to do that private option on Myspace that my agent tells me exists, and then make sure you are on your kid’s friends list. (I’d also point out that whether or not you’re “okay” with something is not exactly the determining factor of your child’s maturity. The problem may be you.)

So, they could still have the page, be cool and interact with their friends, but if needed, you could step in and say, “That water you’re drinking is probably making you sterile and impotent.”

Sincerely,
Dr. Matt*

To ask Dr. Matt a question, send an email to askdrmatt@gmail.com.

* Dr. Matt Leichty is not a real doctor.

Today I came across a discussion on what is Karma and does Karma really exist. There was a lot of discussion on both sides, often angry, and I thought that it might be time for Dr. Matt to come in and give the deciding factor, the final gavel, the ultimate decision on what is and what is not Karma.

You see, Karma is like a boat…

No, Karma is like a bowl of bananas…

No, no, Karma is like a bank… Yep, a bank. Now, folks, there’s a lot of people out there that don’t believe that money is real. “It’s made up!” they say. “It’s just an idea!” Yet, somehow, despite their beliefs, it seems to affect their lives regardless. The world turns, wars are fought, people live and die by this thing that ultimately is “not real”. Somehow, a lot of things that “aren’t real” like money, love, karma, and weapons of mass destruction in Iraq affect our lives, affect reality in a real and tangible way.

So, Karma is like a bank. What you put into it is what you get out of it. Actually, life is probably the bank, and Karma is the bank’s computer software. I should point out that this is why I hate metaphors.

So, I go to the ATM and I say that I want to withdraw my money (and money is love in this metaphor), and all I’ve done lately is take withdrawal after withdrawal. The bank’s Karma says, “Okay, Dr. Matt, I’ll let you take the money out, but you’re overdrawn, and I’m going to charge you bank penalties and interest on that until you pay it back.”

And I scream at the ATM: “But your penalties are too high and it’s unfair! I can give you the money back as soon as I sell some books, just don’t penalize me!”

But, you see, folks, Karma is just a running piece of software, a nature of the bank of the Universe… at least in this metaphor (which I hate). I can yell at the ATM, “I don’t believe in computer software!” or “Computer software is part of the religion of software companies, therefore it is meant to control and I will pout and refuse to let it apply to me!”

Telling Karma what it is and is not is not going to do you a lick of good, people. Telling other people what Karma is and is not also isn’t going to change the nature of Karma. If someone I meet doesn’t believe in money, I say, “That’s fine, then you won’t mind giving it up for my book which retails at $14.99.” Either way, their beliefs don’t change much about the thing they refute. It either is or it isn’t. It either affects their lives or it doesn’t, regardless of the pouting. And I can tell you, a perfect way to let something affect you is to put a lot of energy into refuting it. This is why I enjoy atheists immensely. If someone identifies themselves as an atheist, specifically wears an identity of being an atheist, then God is present in every moment of their lives, because the refutation of God is part of their identity. Seriously, that plum just tickles me every time I think about it.

If you don’t believe in Karma or God or banks or Barack Obama, that’s a-okay. Believe what you want. However, if you spend a lot of time arguing against it, you must really think there’s something to it. If you spend a lot of time arguing against Barack Obama, for example, then you must think he’s a credible threat to your candidate. (This is a wild example, of course, for who would actually argue against Barack Obama?)

Believe or don’t. If you don’t, don’t spend your life not being that thing. Just be.

As a result, you will not anger the Karma Fairy who is said to often disembowel those who do not believe in Him.

Sincerely,
Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt Leichty is not a real doctor.

Folks, I was dilly-dallying on the Internet this morning, and I came across a list that was something like, “Things boys should know before becoming men.” Right away I knew this was trouble, and sure enough, it had such gems as knowing how to change oil filters and having a complete comprehension of soccer. This kind of sexism is tolerated in our society because men supposedly have it wonderfully, and because of this, forfeit the right to complain about such things at birth. If a man points out an example of sexism, the message is sent back to him: “Oh, come on, don’t you know how good you have it? And women have it much much worse, so you have no right to complain.” The last part is another favorite. Folks, the argument that men have no right to stand up for themselves simply because the other side has it worse is not a valid argument. And perhaps not verifiable anyway, since “how bad it is” is subjective. Since it’s not a verifiable position, it’s simply a sexist statement.

Sexism against men is not only generated by angry women, mind you. Increasingly, men wear a veneer of guilt for other members of their species. You know, guilt for those men who can’t stop yelling at the bar, or guilt for the high percentage of sexual assaulters who are male, or guilt for the existence of NASCAR. Folks, that’s just stupid. No one is suggesting that women feel guilty for Paris Hilton. Women are not responsible for her behavior, she is.

To me, the most classic example of male sexism is the toilet seat argument. Hear me out, people, ’cause I don’t think you’ve really thought critically about this. On this web site this morning, many women listed putting the toilet seat down as a skill any man should have. This reason to nag is so old and overused that no one has given it two brain cells worth of thought. One time, a female client of mine spit out this comment, and I said, “Well, do you put the toilet seat up for him?” This question only received a blank stare.

“What do you mean?” she said.

I repeated: “Do you put the toilet seat up for him?”

“Why would I do that?” she asked, looking absolutely confused. Exactly. Courtesy to a male is so foreign that it’s hard to even process. But I ask you people now: What is the natural state of a toilet seat? Where, in the design specifications, does it state that a seat should be placed in the “down” position? It’s a hinge, it could go either way. So how on earth did it become a male responsibility to place the seat in an optimal position for their female partners and not vice versa? Would it not make sense that you are responsible for placing a seat in position most suited for you? Are you not responsible for your own toileting functions? (I apologize to those women who, for some reason, cannot be responsible for their own toileting functions. I am not addressing you.)

Now, I’m not suggesting that a man deliberately NOT put the toilet seat down, because it IS a nice thing to do. And, in fact, personally, I believe the whole contraption should go down, not just the seat, because putting the lid down is better for hygiene. I’m simply stating something that I’m baffled as to how this slipped by everyone: it’s not his responsibility. “Putting the toilet seat down” would be on my list of things girls need to learn to become women, not boys to men. To me, it’s as ridiculous as charging men with the responsibility of restocking your tampons. It’s classic gender role stupidity, and expectations like this come up in relationship after relationship, and women throw their hands up, wondering when men will ever learn, all the while never considering that the problem is their expectations and their own sexist attitude.

I was listening to a podcast on Tantra yesterday, and a woman said that one of the things she asks of women in couple’s Tantric workshops is “Give up the right to criticize your man.” Now, this is placed in a negative context, for who wants to give up their rights? But the point is that women never had that right in the first place. That’s right. You have no right to nag. It’s good for men to hear this too, because these are not problems generated by one gender or the other. Again, these are problematic gender roles widely accepted by both genders. Yes, men, you have the right to defend yourself. It doesn’t matter how “good” you have it. You deserve to have it better.

One time, I had a couple come into my apartment/office and she had a laundry list of nags. When I talked to the husband privately in a later session, he mentioned that his wife had the habit of putting the toilet seat down but leaving the lid up, and then getting water all over the seat after she took a shower. Was this courteous to him? No. (Men DO need to occasionally have the seat down.) Yet he had never said anything about this to his wife. Why? Because he felt so guilty about her list of nags that he felt he didn’t have the right to bring it up. He didn’t really agree with everything she had listed, but with so many items, he felt that there must be something to it, so bringing up water on a toilet seat would seem rather petty.

So, picture this, with this couple, he always heard about his faults from her, and she rarely heard about her faults from him. As a result, she felt she was doing a much better job in the relationship. You know what I heard? They both had things they needed to work on. But they were only really working on one side: his.

What should we ask of men? Here’s my list of things boys should learn before becoming men, in no particular order.

1. Don’t take responsibility for what isn’t yours.
2. Take responsibility for what IS yours.
3. Putting the toilet seat down is not your responsibility. Putting the lid down, however, is good hygiene.
4. Learn how to defend yourself. The societal misconception that women are fragile has led to the idea that women cannot be violent. Most violence against men by women is not reported. And it should be said that defending yourself against other men is also often necessary.
5. Learn when not to fight in order to save the other person from harm. Don’t fight to protect your ego. Fight to protect your boundaries.
6. Yes, looking is okay. Beauty is, for some reason, supposed to be ignored when it comes in the form of a human female? Tell your partner that you’ll stop noticing beautiful women when they stop noticing beautiful sunsets. Or crying at beautiful moments in movies. Human beings respond to beauty, so stop giving me that look.
7. A connectedness to emotions makes you more capable. Superman cries. Lex Luthor doesn’t. Kim Jong Il, as well, has insecurities with displaying emotion, which is probably why he’s always waving his nuclear weapon around. Seriously, he’s an overgrown child.
8. Learn to treat all with respect and courtesy, and that includes yourself. Eating Cheez-Its is probably a violation of this principle.

I could go on, but this is perhaps a good list to start with, and my thoughts on this subject are already a little long.

Bottom line: your crap is your problem, and so is your crapper. If you make your partner responsible for your crapper, you also imply that he/she is responsible for your crap.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

*Dr. Matt Leichty is not a real doctor.